


Bleed Me Dry, I Don't Mind

by AttackoftheDarkCurses



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Best Friends, Denial, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, HEA, Mild Angst, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Prompt Fill, Roommates, Smut, Time Skips, Valentine's Day, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey, Virginity Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-28 09:48:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17785133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AttackoftheDarkCurses/pseuds/AttackoftheDarkCurses
Summary: Four times Rey wasn't dating Ben, and four times Ben knew he loved Rey.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic comes courtesy of an anon prompt, so happy Valentine's anon! I've had this outlined for a month and yesterday I got really bored at work and this happened!
> 
> It's not _quite_ a song fic, but the title and a line or two come from ["1000 Times" by Sara Bareilles](https://open.spotify.com/track/5sulMp8BnWKlR9PqEH5G9M?si=7ljKJL0zRDa3CusPN8W0Ww).
> 
> Chapter 2 will be different scenes from Ben's POV, and chapter 2 is the cause for the E rating.

The countdown had started inside, where the Organa-Solo's were hosting their massive annual party complete with hors d'oeuvres served by catering staff, shiny and sparkling dresses, suits, and flutes of champagne everyone kept clinking together. It was an _adult_ party, so naturally, she and Ben had ditched it and found themselves outside, shivering in the cold of December-almost-January, but thankful for the fresh air.

Ben avoided looking at her as he asked, "Uh. So. Should we- do you want to- I mean… It's a silly tradition, but-"

The countdown hit zero, and _Auld Lang Syne_ started playing while everyone inside started belting out lyrics they only remembered half of, and she saved him from his awkward misery, interrupting him with her mouth before he could get out the words.

It was her first kiss. His, too, which was probably why it was awkward.

But it was bound to be awkward, in a strange _I'm kissing my best friend_ sort of way.

In a _why is this a lot more weird_ way, and an _I won’t admit it, but I'm glad it's him_ , sort of way.

Because she wouldn’t admit that. Admitting that she was glad it was Ben kissing her for the first time and not anyone else would be catastrophic.

Catastrophic like, maybe he would wonder if she'd thought about doing this before-

(she hadn't, never, absolutely not, not even during those times she'd caught herself staring at his mouth)

-or maybe it would make their friendship weird-

(it wouldn't, if they could survive the horror of being in the same sex-ed class, this would be fine)

-or maybe—and now, this was the part that really got her—it would be like admitting this whole thing, her kissing her best friend, was a _Big Deal_.

It wasn't a big deal, she thought, as his hand timidly lifted to rest on her waist, touching her where he'd never touched her before. It _wasn't_ , she insisted, as he cupped her face, and figured out that mashing their lips together was not the best way to go about doing this. It wasn't a thing to give a second thought to, she maintained, just as he slipped his tongue in her mouth and let out a quiet groan.

His lips were _so_ soft, and butterflies went nuts in her stomach while he licked into her.

It wasn't a big deal, she lied, as she leaned against his chest—the one she absolutely hadn't noticed had become broader and well-toned over the summer—and let their kiss become something more like making out, marveling at how his plush lips melded in a way that was just right with hers.

_Auld Lang Syne_ had finished and switched to something jazzy by the time they split apart.

Ben cleared his throat, and again, avoided her eyes.

And again she rescued him, because after a decade of friendship she could speak _Ben_ and he was ten seconds from freaking out and panicking about the line they'd leapt over.

"So do you want to go upstairs and watch a movie?"

He nodded gratefully, and she couldn't help but wonder… was he flushed crimson from the cold, or from something else?

Prompting him again, she smiled in a way she hoped was reassuring and didn't say anything along the lines of _what the hell just happened_. "You go pick out a movie, I'll steal a platter of sandwiches or something and be up in a minute."

"Uh... good," he stammered, gesturing randomly with his hands, and for some reason, now she _knew_ his blush had nothing to do with the cold. "Great. I'll- yeah."

He paused, shoved his hands in his pockets and blinked at her, then coughed and fled inside.

A slow, light smile played across her lips, and she leaned against the railing of the Organa-Solo's porch, looking out over their snow-filled backyard that bordered hers.

Through the silence, she murmured, "Happy New Year, Ben."

Rey laughed as it sunk in that they'd _kissed_ , and of course he'd gotten all weird and run off to his room. For someone half her friend group was nervous around, he was just a tall, shy nerd.

The glass door to the porch slid open, and she snorted. "If you've come back to kiss me again, I think a _little_ less tongue, but-"

A throat cleared, sounding light and feminine and not at all like her best friend. Rey's head whipped around, seeing with more than _mild_ embarrassment that Leia was standing a few feet behind her, with a smirk on her lips and her eyebrow raised.

"Never mind," Rey blurted out. "Hi Leia. I... I was, uh..."

The woman laughed, and Rey wanted to sink into the porch and disappear because this was Ben's _mom_ —the woman who'd saved Rey from a very awkward conversation with her grandfather, taking her aside to explain pads and tampons just three or four years earlier. This was _Leia_ , the woman who'd once bought her a training bra and given her advice about dating (not that she'd actually gotten the chance to put it to use).

Leia was the closest she had to a mom and now Rey sort of wanted to laugh because wasn't Ben the one who was freaking out? Why was it her turn now, and _oh_ _god,_ how much did Leia see?

"Relax," she hushed, handing over the coat Rey hadn't realized she was holding. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't freeze yourself to death out here."

Rey calmed down and wrapped the fleece jacket ( _Ben's jacket,_ her mind qualified) around her, swimming in it and watching Leia curiously as she walked over to lean against the same railing as Rey.

"You know you're family, don't you?" the woman murmured.

Her eyes focused on the dark wood of the porch as she listened to Leia's words.

"You're family," Leia repeated. "So, please understand we would all be very supportive if you and Ben were together. If you want to keep it private, that's your decision—yours and his—but we love you both. You don't have to keep it hidden."

_What?_

Rey's brow furrowed as she looked over at Leia. "Huh?"

"You and Ben," she shrugged, the silver of her dress shimmering as she did so, "You don't have to hide your relationship. It's normal. You're almost seventeen, and you've been friends for so long. We all suspected it would happen eventually anyway, so-"

Rey interrupted her with a hearty, surprised laugh.

“Did I miss something?” Leia asked.

"I think there's been a misunderstanding," Rey explained, catching her breath. "We're not dating. We're not… anything. Just friends. Best friends. It was a New Year's thing. The whole kiss someone at midnight thing?"

The look Leia gave her screamed _really_ , _that's the story you're sticking with?_

But she didn't want to answer that question—not for Leia, and certainly not for herself—so she gave the woman a smile and rambled through an explanation of how Ben was waiting and how she had to get upstairs as quickly as possible to see a movie.

Leia looked unimpressed but amused and waved her off.

She rushed toward the back staircase that led to Ben's room and snatched an untouched tray of curious looking hors d'oeuvres on the way, deciding she would much rather deal with her awkward-acting best friend (emphasis on the _friend_ ) than answer another question about whether they were dating.

With any luck, Leia's misreading of their friendship was a fluke, and she would never need to answer another question like that again.

* * *

  _Never again_ happened much sooner than Rey expected.

The school's gym was decorated in horrid white and pastel streamers. They'd tried to make the ceiling look like the night sky, though really it looked like they'd hung a ton of dark sheets over the rafters. Terrible but catchy pop music was blaring through the speakers, and for a moment, Rey thought _maybe_ she should have pretended to be sick to get out of coming to this.

Of course, she wouldn't say that out loud to anyone but Ben, because Finn and Poe were both on the prom committee and they’d worked hard on it. Still, she couldn't figure out whether there was a theme, and if there was, she wasn't dressed with it in mind.

Leia had taken her out a few weeks earlier to a tiny dress shop and helped her pick out what Rey had _thought_ was something a little over the top—a very light purple (almost off-white) dress with a high neck and thin straps, dipping low on her back and flaring into a poofy skirt that went to her knees. Now that she looked around and saw the literal ball gowns other seniors were wearing, she realized hers was less _over-the-top_ and more… cute.

Reading her mind, Ben leaned in behind her. "I'm glad you didn't wear one of those long dresses. I would have stepped on it."

Rey snorted. He _would_ have stepped on it.

She turned back to him, pulling him away from the entrance they were blocking, and reiterated the plan. "Okay, so we stick around for an hour and we make sure Finn and Poe see us, and we ditch this frilly, pastel nightmare and go hang out at your place, right?"

"You forgot the pizza," he said, very seriously. "The fridge is empty and Chandrila House of Pizza won't deliver since Poe pranked us."

Rey sighed. "I can't blame them. It was _twenty_ pizzas and your dad yelled at the delivery guy."

"Mm, speaking of."

He nodded to something a little to the right of them and Rey looked over, waving back at Poe, who was already dancing with Finn. "Perfect," she muttered through her smile, "They've seen us. We've fulfilled our obligation as their friends. Can we leave now?"

"Nope," Ben answered, still smiling. "We said an hour."

Glancing up at him tiredly, she sighed again. "Fine. But I pick the first movie."

"Deal. Want something to drink? I'm going to go get something."

She nodded. "Sure. Anything's fine."

Ben left her with a reassuring squeeze of her hand and walked off toward a table that held a well-supervised punch bowl. Rey watched after him. He looked _nice_ in the suit he'd worn (broad shoulders were a good look on him), and she hadn't missed the clear fact that either he or Leia—she suspected Leia—had gotten him a tie that matched her dress.

In the past couple of years he'd gained a few inches and a _lot_ of muscle that she tried to ignore. Still, she couldn't help but be impressed by the amount of effort the buttons of his shirt were putting in.

Blushing at the thoughts running through her head, Rey turned, looking around the room rather than in his direction. After a moment, Ben tapped on her shoulder and-

Oh. It wasn't Ben.

She tried to keep her expression neutral as she turned to face the similarly tall red-head from her homeroom, one of the few blocks in her schedule she didn't share with any of her friends.

"Hey, Hux. What's up?"

He was nice, Rey supposed. They'd never interacted much, except that time their homeroom had been covered by a sub who didn't care about them being quiet. Hux had spent the whole time talking about his cat, showing her pictures that made her wish she wasn't allergic.

"Hi," he greeted. And then he asked her the thing she hadn't been asked in a year and a half. "Are you here with Solo? Are you two a thing?"

Without stopping to consider _why_ he would ask, she shook her head. "Just figured it would be easier to come with a friend than find a date."

Hux hummed in agreement. "Want to dance?"

"Oh. Uh.” She looked around, but didn't see Ben. "Sure. Why not?"

She followed him out on the dance floor, noticing with a little discomfort that they'd swapped over to a slow song and, well, she hadn't agreed to a slow dance, but suddenly Hux was putting his arms around her waist and-

And now she regretted how low the back of her dress went. Rey stiffened, feeling his hand on bare skin that nobody except maybe Ben had touched, but she didn't pull away. Hux was _nice_ and one dance wouldn't do any harm. After all, songs were, what, three minutes long? She could do three minutes.

Ben showed up after less than a minute, proving once again he was capable of reading her mind. "Hey Hux," he said, not unkindly, "Mind if I cut in? Thanks for keeping my _date_ company."

The red-head gave a clipped, "No problem" and scurried away, and Rey had to wonder why so many of their peers seemed to be nervous around Ben. Whatever the reason, she breathed a sigh of relief as soon as she realized the cold and clammy hand was off her bare skin.

Larger, warmer hands landed where Hux's had been, and she relaxed in an unfamiliar but comfortable embrace, looping her arms around his neck. "Thanks, I didn't think I would mind dancing with him but..."

"You looked uncomfortable," Ben shrugged. "I figured you would appreciate the interruption."

"Thanks," she murmured, resting her head against him. He held her close while they swayed to the music, barely bothering to dance. They stayed like that through two more slow songs until Rey asked, "Any chance you want to let up on that _one hour_ rule? This is better than I'd expected but I would still rather go home and steal pajamas from you and watch a movie."

His chin landed on top of her head, and she felt the vibration of his soft laughter. "You're forgetting the pizza."

"Right. Pizza, too."

Ben hummed as if he was considering it and gave a dramatic sigh. "I guess I could be convinced. Make it a Hawaiian pizza and we can go."

She groaned. "We've been over this. Fruit does _not_ belong on pizza."

"You've never even tried it!"

"I don't need to try pickles and peanut butter to be sure they don't go together," she reasoned. "No, not a chance. I'm not even going to counter offer that."

"Fine, one Hawaiian and one black olive, will that make you happy?"

Rey untucked herself from under his head and leaned back against the arms holding her around the waist. She considered the offer.

"Okay, deal."

"Good," Ben sighed, "Let's get out of here. The music's giving me a headache."

Less than an hour later they were sitting on his bed with a pizza box on either side of them, laughing and giggling through _Gremlins_. Between laughs, Ben worked out, "You- you might be one."

Rey raised an eyebrow, asking with mild outrage, "Be one _what?_ Be _very_ careful how you answer that question, Solo."

"Wow, going right for the last name, huh?" he asked dryly, before his face split into a wide grin. "I'm not scared of you," he snickered. "You would have to grow half a foot to intimidate me."

She narrowed her eyes, and he continued, "You're a gremlin. Can't feed you right before bed because you _always_ have weird dreams, can't let you get caught in the rain without an umbrella because you get all grumpy about it, can't push you into the pool, because-"

"I was fully dressed!"

"Okay, that's fair, but-" Ben paused, then looked over at her and shrugged unabashedly. They both erupted into laughter.

Once they calmed down and Ben devoured another two slices of pizza, she asked, "Hey, you don't think Poe and Finn will be upset we left early, do you? I'm hoping they didn't even notice us leave."

"They didn't," he confirmed, propping himself up with another pillow. "They're leaving early, too. Probably already left. They uh. Got a hotel room. For the night."

"Oh. _Oh_ ." Rey looked back to the tv, blushing at the implication, and before she had the chance to tell herself to _shut the hell up_ she asked, "Is that really a thing people do on prom night? That's not just a weird consistent thing in teen movies?"

"I think it's normal? We're all leaving for college soon and I guess the mindset is that it's getting one scary new thing out of the way before dealing with a _lot_ of scary new things." He shrugged again. "Plus, they've been dating forever and they've known each other since they were kids. I'm a little surprised it took them this long."

"Wait." Rey paused, considering his words. "Scary? Why would you call it scary?"

"What, having sex?" Even in the dim light the tv provided, she could see his face flush red. "I just mean the first time. Maybe not _scary_ , but awkward. Intimidating."

Frowning and wondering where the hell she was going with this, Rey commented, "I don't think it has to be. Not if you're with someone you're close to. Someone you've dated for a while, or known for a long time, or someone who's-"

"Your best friend?"

That was when their eyes met, and somehow she knew how much it had cost him to say that—how much nerve it took, given everything it implied. He held her gaze, and she whispered, "Yeah. Yeah, someone like that."

They were both silent, almost definitely on the same page, and after a moment he said timidly, "Rey…"

But she'd always been the brave one. She'd always been the one to save him from having to answer or ask the awkward questions, and that wouldn’t change. At least not tonight.

"Just tonight?" she whispered. "Just so we can avoid being awkward with people we're less comfortable around? We could get it out of the way so we don't have to do it with people we would be too embarrassed to be inexperienced with?"

She ignored the knife twisting in her gut at something she'd said.

Ben stared at her, and for a horrifying minute she considered that there was a very real chance she'd misunderstood and _oh crap_ , what if he hadn't actually been implying anything?

When she was about two seconds from dying of embarrassment, he choked out, "Yeah. Yeah, okay." He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath, and stopped to ask, "Are you sure? You wouldn't rather wait to do that with someone you… uh…"

"I'd much rather it be you than some random guy I date in college," she admitted. "Plus, we were each other's first kiss. This isn't that different."

She neglected to remind him that he'd acted weird for at least a week after that kiss, and because of that they hadn't discussed it since.

"Actually I think it's a _lot_ different," he blurted out.

Though, for some reason, Rey still disagreed. Maybe it was because he'd never made her feel anything but safe and cared for, and who _better_ to figure this stuff out with than someone she could be a total idiot around without worrying that they might judge her?

But if he didn't feel the same way…

Rey was careful to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "It's okay if you'd rather not. I'll understand."

"I want to, but I don't want it to make things weird."

She bit her lip. "It won't make things weird for me. I promise. There isn’t anyone I’d be more comfortable with."

He kept staring, right into her eyes, and let out a long breath. "Okay."

Maybe they should have started off slower, but neither hindsight nor experience were things Rey had the benefit of relying on, so she jumped in head-first without stopping to consider any of it.

Lips met lips, things got pushed off the bed to make room, and fingers pulled and tugged at clothes as she climbed into his lap.

"I'm glad it's you," she breathed between kisses. "You have no idea."

His lips tilted into a soft smile against hers, " _You_ have no idea."

"What do you mean?" she asked, pulling back a bit.

Ben shook his head gently, smiling at her. He leaned in, pressing lips to her forehead, and rumbled against her skin, "You'll figure it out."

Figure out _what_ , she wasn't sure, but she leaned back in for a long kiss, wrapping her legs around him while she reveled in the realization that this was _right_ and safe and _perfect._ Ben tugged her further into his lap. "You're sure?"

"Definitely. I'm sure. Just tonight, right?"

Rey watched him swallow.

"Sure. Just tonight."

* * *

 The hallway she stumbled down smelled of beer and… was someone giving a guy a blowjob in the hallway? Wow.

Rey turned away, not interested in watching, and then she realized her head was spinning. _Spinning_. Or, maybe that was the whole world? She groaned, clutching at her head as she made her way down the hall, further away from the pounding baseline that blasted through speakers. A soft rumbling sound, much more pleasant than what couldn't possibly pass for music, much like a quiet laugh, came from right beside her.

"I _told_ you not to have the tequila," he scolded.

Ben. That was Ben. _Oh_ thank gosh. Her new roommate, Rose, had left with someone while pretty sober and Rey had thought she'd been abandoned, doomed to forever wander about the frat party (her first and last) looking for Ben.

Why she'd agreed to attend a frat party, even drunk-Rey didn't know.

Broad arms caught her around the waist just before she fell straight into a wall (wall, that was a _wall_ , not a doorway). "C'mere, Rey, I've got you," he sighed, rubbing her back soothingly. "I think we’ll want to work on your tolerance if you're going to take up partying."

"I'm not," she muttered. "This- I don't like this. It's spinning."

The nauseating motion slowed, though, as she let him hold her. He'd stayed mostly sober since it was their first time drinking, and at first she'd thought that was silly, but now it made sense even with way too much alcohol in her system.

Another bonus to him being there was that he smelled fucking incredible, unlike the beer-stained _everything_ in the frat house. Rey didn't even bother to try to hide her opinion on that. Instead she buried her face against him and inhaled deeply.

He smelled fucking _amazing_.

Ben laughed.

Oh. Oh she'd said that out loud, hadn't she?

"Yeah, you did," he snorted. "And thanks, it's my conditioner. The stuff you're always trying to steal whenever you stay over?"

Ah, right, because Ben lived off campus at his own place with his own bathroom, the lucky jerk. Of course, Han and Leia had suggested she take the second bedroom of the apartment they'd gotten him, but in a brief moment of insanity she'd chosen to rough it in the freshman dorms. Stupid. So, So stupid.

She'd missed many opportunities to see him walk around half naked.

He looked _incredible_ naked.

Ben's eyebrows shot up. "Uh. Maybe we should get you home before you say anything else you'll regret tomorrow." He hesitated. "Though if you ever want to tell me how I look naked while you're _sober_ , just know I'm interested in hearing that. Very, very interested. Just… for the record."

Completely filterless (now she had the nerve to say pretty much anything, and Ben would appreciate the honesty), she asked, "Have I ever told you how often I think about you and that night after prom and how you _completely_ -"

"Oooohkay, that's probably enough of that."

She ignored him and kept going. "You ruined other men for me. I think I might lov-"

A hand clapped over her mouth, and her eyes shot open, lifting to meet his, which were dark and swimming with something she wouldn't have been able to decipher even without alcohol in her system.

"Rey," he whispered, "I think it would be a good idea if you stopped talking now because you'll probably feel weird about this tomorrow. We should get you home, okay? I hope you still want to say that stuff to me when you're sober, but let's wait and see, okay?"

With the hand still over her mouth, she nodded.

Like the perfect gentleman he was, Ben got her home (though she barely remembered the trip) and fished the keys from her pocket, turned his back while she got in pajamas (despite the fact that he'd seen her naked) and filled her water bottle, ordering her to drink lots of it before going to sleep.

But she couldn't help herself, drunk or sober, and asked him before he left, "Stay? Please?"

Ever since they were teenagers she'd slept better in his arms, though their parents likely hadn't realized how many nights one of them had snuck over to join the other. With the exception of prom night it had never been anything but innocent… just two people who felt safer while wrapped around each other.

So it was no surprise when he nodded, changed into his own sweatpants she'd stolen and stored away in her dresser, and climbed into bed with her. The last thing she remembered was using him as her pillow and feeling his lips against her forehead.

Ben was gone when she woke up, though he'd left a note by a water bottle he'd filled, reminding her he had a morning class. She winced at the sunlight that streamed into her room and contemplated burying her head back in her pillow. It still smelled like him and… she paused. 

Rey could have sworn she'd said something about him smelling good the night before.

She didn't remember much more, post-tequila.

"Hey sleepy-head."

When Rey looked up, she saw her roommate sitting at her well-organized desk, still in pajamas decorated with little blue hearts and (if the bottle of advil was any indication) nursing her own hangover. "Okay, so I got home early this morning and _oh my god_ your boyfriend is a sweetheart. I think he stayed up half the night to make sure you were okay."

Rey frowned. "Boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Ben? Aren't you guys dating? You two seem like the high-school sweetheart type."

"No. No, we aren't dating. Why does everyone always ask me that?"

Rose laughed. "What? Are you kidding? Tell me you're kidding. Please tell me you're not that dumb. You don't understand why I might ask?"

Not wanting to consider that too hard, Rey only mustered up a shrug. "He's my best friend. Always has been. I mean… sure, he was my first kiss, and uh. Well. First everything," she blushed. "But it's not like that. It was because we're super comfortable with each other and we figured we would get the awkward stuff out of the way together. That's all."

"Oh, wow, you even have a history, that's sweet," Rose sighed. "You're blind. So blind. I hope I get to see the day you figure it out and for both your sakes, I hope neither of you have messed it up by then."

Rey rolled her eyes, knowing for a fact, there wasn't anything to _figure out_ , and she let her head fall back to the pillow—the one that still smelled like him.

* * *

 She'd been wrong. 

Horribly, terribly wrong, but it didn't hit her until halfway through their Senior year.

Poe and Finn found an apartment toward the end of January, though it was unheard of to start a lease in the middle of winter, and they moved into an adorable one-bedroom apartment together right near the college they both attended, and about half an hour away from Ben and Rey.

They'd been helping the guys move in all weekend and when they'd unpacked the last box, Poe declared that they were throwing an impromptu housewarming.

Rey had glanced over at Ben, shrugging as if to say _why not_ , and he nodded in agreement. They'd both been thinking it would just be a few friends, but within an hour there were a dozen or more pizzas, a keg, and at least thirty people. 

She still didn't like big, loud groups, but Ben was right there next to her, so it was okay.

_Everything_ was okay when he was next to her.

Until Kaydel showed up at the party.

She was cute. Sweet, even. Tall, slim, blonde, carefree, and not at all reserved… she seemed like the kind of girl Rey sometimes wished she could be, but didn't know how.

While Ben was getting them each another slice of Hawaiian (she'd caved during their freshman year and now said _you were right_ almost every time they got pizza), Kaydel started chatted away, bright and bubbly. Easy to talk to.

So easy to talk to that Rey barely noticed Ben arrive back in the dim corner they were holed up in, right next to a bookcase full of books that still weren't organized (at least not to _her_ liking), and she didn't think much of it when Kaydel asked, "So are you guys together?"

Rey answered quickly. "What? Me and Ben? No, no of course not. Definitely not."

And maybe she should have known. Maybe that gut punch should have clued her in as Kaydel smiled and directed her attention to Ben, who had frozen less than a foot from them.

But Ben wasn't looking in Kaydel's direction. He was staring right at her, his expression one of shock. As he continued to stare, he worked his jaw, and closed his eyes and let out a breath, as though he'd finally confirmed something.

It was like some tether between them had just… let go. Slowly, sadly, and reluctantly.

He swallowed and opened his eyes to look over at Kaydel.

"Hi, I'm Ben," he said quietly. "Any chance you want to get out of here? I could use some air right now."

He sounded like he wanted to cry, and _why_ didn't Kaydel notice that? It took Rey a moment to realize that, to the average person, he sounded normal. But she knew _him_ and how to read him and-

Kaydel grinned, nodded, and followed him as he turned and walked out, not giving Rey another glance. Just before they made it to the door, Rey saw her slip her hand in Ben's. She saw him squeeze it, and… they left together.

That was when her heart hit the floor.

That was when she figured out what Rose had meant.

That was when pain—vicious and barbed and _agonizing_ —welled in her, and she shuddered, and breathed out a swear.

-*-

Two weeks.

That's how long it took her to break down, to be something other than _numb_ , and to sob into Rose's shoulder. Rey thought she was probably being dramatic, but her once-roommate, now-friend was kind enough not to say _I told you so_.

She'd been sleeping on Rose's couch since the party, too chicken to go home to the second bedroom she and Ben had both known she would take eventually (and she had, after her first year in the dorms). She'd only gone back long enough to grab some things while Ben was in class, knowing she needed to get her head clear and being around _him_ wouldn’t help with that.

The plan had been to crash with Rose and her sister for a couple of nights, maybe figure out what to say to Ben and maybe try to stop crying, but then two nights became longer, and she'd heard from Finn that… that he was dating her.

Ben was dating Kaydel and Rey was pretty sure she'd broken her own heart.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Rose murmured, hugging her while they laid on her bed. "I promise. It'll work out. Has he still been calling?"

Ben had called her almost a dozen times a day since that damned housewarming party, and texted even more, to the point where her voicemail filled up and she shut off her phone.

"Yeah," she admitted, "He hasn't stopped. I should pick up but I don't know what to say."

Rose gave her an odd look. "Doesn't it seem weird that he's being so persistent if he's dating someone? I mean, not that you wouldn't still be his best friend who he worries about, but at this rate he's been calling you almost every hour for three weeks. Wouldn't that tick off a new girlfriend?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, trying and failing not to wince at the title that wasn't hers.

"It would though," Rose confirmed. "You need to talk to him. Or at least read his texts or something. Consider about it from his perspective. He heard you tell this woman that you weren't together, right? And that _upset_ him? Don't you think that kind of implies something?"

Rey let out a soft whine. "It doesn't matter what it implies, Rose. He's dating someone, and he deserves to be happy. I _want_ him to be happy. I was just too late."

She let those words echo around in her mind, and she rested her head back on Rose's shoulder, and let the tears fall.

-*-

Four days later, Rose was done.

Rey had just gotten back from class and was buried in a book so she didn't have to think about _him_ , and she jumped as clothing hit her in the face.

"Put that on. We're going out."

She frowned, looking down at the leggings and dark red dress her friend had tossed at her. "What's this?"

"A dress," Rose deadpanned. "Come on. I don't think you've done anything but eat, sleep, cry, and go to class in almost three weeks. I love you and you can stay here as long as you need, but we're going out."

"No way. I'm not going out."

"It's _Valentine's_ . We're going," she said firmly. "We're going, and we're going to get very drunk, and if you're feeling up to it, we'll get a couple of numbers from some cute guys. If you're not up for that, we're at least going out and getting drunk because I am _not_ letting you wallow any longer."

Rey swallowed. "You're not going to let up on this, are you?"

“Nope. I'll drag you off that couch if I have to." Then she hesitated, and her expression softened, and she added, "Look, you don't have to talk about it. You _don't_ have to come, but it's dollar beers at Maz's. Would it be so bad to get out for a night?"

She looked back down at the dress and sighed. "Okay. Okay, fine."

The bar was a lot more empty than she'd been expecting. For some reason she'd thought it would be packed, but it seemed just the usual crowd of people had showed up. Maybe all the couples were at a more romantic venue, or...

Rey stopped herself before she started wondering where Ben had taken Kaydel. It would be somewhere nice. He was nothing if not sweet, and considerate.

Was he the type to buy a date flowers? Chocolates? Did he go for the typical stuff?

"Stop that," Rose chided. "You're thinking about him."

"I’m always thinking about him," she sniffed.

"Well, _don't_ , let's get a few- Oh. _Shit._ "

Rey had only been half listening, but she frowned at her friend's sudden change in tone, and glanced over, toward whatever Rose was fish-gaping at and _oh shit_.

He was there, nursing a drink across the bar from them. Alone. Before she could turn and leave, planning to bury herself in a pile of pillows and scream her throat raw, his eyes lifted.

And then his jaw dropped.

Ben shot up, abandoning his drink as he rushed around the counter and spun her chair around, pulling her off it and into his arms, ignoring Rose entirely.

"Rey,” he breathed. “Are- are you moving out? Did I do something? I-"

His voice was scratchy and thick with emotion. It was like her heart was breaking all over again.

Ben was a mess. His long hair was messy bed-head, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Worse, he looked like he was one rude word from crying, and he stared down at her, waiting for her answer.

"I’m not sure," she whispered. "Now that you mention it… I should."

The breath he let out was shaky, and even in his arms she both desperately needed him to give her space and hoped he would tighten his grip. 

"What the hell's going on, Rey?" he murmured. "Can we talk? Outside?"

She nodded, pulling out of his arms long enough to turn back to Rose. Quietly, the woman said, "Text me if you need me, okay?"

Rey murmured a thanks, and followed Ben outside, feeling her heart pound with each step.

The wind was bitterly cold, even for mid February, and Ben swore as they walked out onto the quiet sidewalk. He pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders, leaving him with the snug black sweater that, on a normal day, would make her swoon.

He faced her, shaking his head. "What the hell, Rey? You disappeared. You haven't been home in _three_ weeks." His voice got louder. "You have no clue how worried I've been! I had to hear from _Poe_ that you were okay. Why couldn't you have returned a text or a call, or-"

"I was busy," she interrupted.

" _Busy?"_

She winced at the terrible excuse, but doubled down anyway. "Yeah. Busy."

Ben huffed, working his lips together with obvious annoyance. "What the hell kept you too busy to _text_ me? Even once? I was worried about you. How would you reach if I didn't come home for a few weeks? Can you even imagine how much that would freak you out? Rey, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I'm sorry, but I deserve more than _you were busy_."

"I was just busy, oka-”

"Busy doing _what?!"_

It was the first time he’d ever yelled at her. She shut her mouth, blinking up at him.

He looked terrified. Terrified and worried, and she blurted it out right in his face, before she could reconsider.

"Busy trying to think of _literally_ anything but you with _her!"_

Ben took a step back, frowning at her in confusion. "I- me and who? What are you talking about?"

"You and Kaydel."

"Kaydel?" Ben tilted his head, and his eyes widened in recognition. "Oh. Connix? We got dinner when we left the party. When I left I needed to talk things out with someone, but…" his voice got soft, and brown eyes met hers as he said, "But that was it."

The breath she'd been holding left her lungs. "Finn said you were dating."

"No, we're not. I've gotten coffee with her a few times as friends, but I introduced her to a guy in my lab." Ben took a step closer, admitting, "She's nice, but she's not my type, and-" he hesitated, closing his eyes as he finally said, "And it's not fair to date someone when I've spent most of my life in love with someone else."

Her words were barely a whisper. "You have?"

Whiskey brown eyes opened, considering her. "You didn’t know?"

She shook her head. "Oh. Wow." Letting out a breath, she said, "It's freezing out here. Why don't we go back inside, get a couple of drinks and find a booth and… talk. We need to talk. This is a lot."

"Okay," he said softly, nodding, and he followed behind her as she rushed back into the warmth of the building, and got up to the bar, signaling for Maz, the bartender-slash-owner.

"Can we get a couple of drinks, Maz? A French martini and a-" she turned back to Ben, "What do you want?"

"Beer's fine," he replied, giving Maz a distracted smile.

The woman nodded, but gave them a curious look and asked, "You two together? We've got a couple's discount running for Valentine's."

Ben stiffened behind her, but the all-too familiar question hit her and washed over her like something soothing. Like a new start, a chance to get it right.

Rey smiled. "Yeah. We are."

The words weren’t weird to say. She didn't have that awful gut-punch she'd gotten whenever she'd given a different answer. _This_ answer rolled off her tongue like it was her own name.

Just as she started reveling in the bubbly joy welling in her chest, a hand landed on her shoulder, and she turned back to see Ben gazing down at her in awe. The tension between them was palpable, swelling and ebbing, but it snapped in an instant as he pressed his lips to hers, insistent and desperate.

She took the insistence, desperation, and passion, and gave it back, pouring _love_ into their kiss. Sliding her hands up his chest, she looped them around his shoulders, tugging him closer. He would never be close enough.

Behind them, Maz grumbled, "I didn't need proof. Get a room."

Ben pulled back, keeping his arms tight around her, and laughed a weightless, carefree laugh. "Sorry," he mumbled through a grin. When Maz rolled her eyes and turned away to make their drinks, he leaned in and whispered, "I've loved you for as long as I can remember."

"I love you too," she sniffed. There were tears welling in her eyes. "I love you. So much." Ben cupped her face and started wiping away the tears, and she added, "I'm sorry it took me so long to-"

"Don't be," he interrupted, hushing her. "Rey, maybe you didn't know it, but this has been breaking my heart, and the thing is, I didn't even mind." He laughed, and repeated, "I didn't mind, because every minute I've spent with you, even if I haven't been _with_ you, is better than any minute I'm _not_ with you."

He pressed his forehead to hers, admitting, "I knew it the minute you kissed me when we were kids, but I didn't want to pressure you for more. I didn't want to make things weird. I would have waited forever for you to figure it out."

"No more waiting," she breathed. "Trust me, I figured it out."

The grin on his face was blinding with how stunning it was, and he kissed her again, smiling against her mouth.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he laughed. "Though I don't think we'll ever top this one."

"We'll have a lot of opportunities to try."

When his expression softened into something sweet and fond and _hopeful_ , Rey sighed contentedly.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Ben."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Entirely Ben POV - this covers... _sort of_ the same scenes, but fills in some gaps.

Ben's head was spinning. It was foggy and for some crazy reason he couldn't help but laugh like an idiot while he slowed his hurried walk toward the stairs that led to his bedroom. He stopped in the empty hallway for a moment, leaning against a wall while he just… processed.

She'd kissed him.

Kissed him—not a quick kiss between friends. Not a friendly cheek-kiss, nor a peck on the lips.

His heart was still pounding.

He needed to calm down before Rey (just her name kept his heart racing) came upstairs to join him. So, Ben left the hallway and got to his room, and he relaxed when he remembered he'd cleaned it the day before.

Not that it ever got messy. Rey was over almost every day when they weren't at school and he blanched at her seeing dirty laundry on the floor or his books all over the place… for some reason.

Though, post-kiss, that reason was more clear. Still in shock, he dropped onto his bed, letting his legs hang down over the edge while he stared up at the ceiling and tried to remember every little detail of the best couple of minutes of his life.

It was like his life was now split into two parts—before kissing her, and after.

Her mouth was soft, and maybe at first things had been awkward and rushed, but at some point she'd taken control and then they'd fallen in sync. It wasn't mouths crashing together so much as it was a gentle sliding of one set of lips over another.

It was still hitting him that he’d kissed his best friend, even after minutes of staring up at that ceiling.

The important question, though, was whether he wanted to do it again, and before he'd even fully thought the question, the answer was a strong _of course,_ because this was Rey and just touching her blew his mind. And now kissing her was just…

"Okay, I’m not sure what this stuff is," she announced, letting herself into his room while carrying a massive platter. "It looks edible, though. Stuffed mushrooms, I think?"

Ben sat up, hoping— _praying_ —he wasn't blushing. "Oh. Hi."

"Uh, hi?"

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, but she shrugged it off. "Did you pick a movie?"

Nope. He'd been a bit too preoccupied thinking about her lips and _oh good_ now he was staring at them. How was he supposed to survive this friendship now that he knew what she tasted like?

(Strawberries. She tasted like strawberries.)

"Ben?"

He snapped out of it. "Uh. I couldn't decide. Scream? Jurassic Park?"

Rey plopped down onto the bed next to him, and normally he wasn't nervous to have her on his bed. She'd slept in his bed before without him having this sort of reaction, so why could he feel his blood rushing in his ears and his heart pounding in his throat?

She seemed to sense it, and she stood up to set the platter on his desk before she turned back to him and tilted her head, looking concerned. "Is everything okay? Was that weird, downstairs? Should I not have done that? I thought that's what you were asking, but-"

It was laughable that she could think he would ever not want her to kiss him.

"It was great," Ben blurted out. When she smiled, he had to stare down at his hands or else he would turn bright red. "I just mean I didn't mind. You didn't misunderstand."

Should he tell her?

"Good," Rey sighed, sitting back down next to him. "That's good."

He was going to tell her. Or… or maybe he could just kiss her again?

Rey rested her head on his shoulder. "You're my best friend, Ben. Sometimes I think you're the only person who understands me."

Except, people who were just best friends rarely wanted to kiss each other, right?

"My best friend," she murmured. "I would have felt awful if I'd messed things up with that kiss. I figured it's usually an awkward thing, so even if we screwed it up we could just laugh about it."

He turned his head and lightly kissed her forehead. It was something he'd done before as a goodnight when she slept over, usually in his arms, and…

Now he was reframing all their interactions.

Rey continued, oblivious to his thoughts. "You'll always be my best friend."

Guilt twinged in him, because having her in his life was enough… but now he wanted more.

He wanted a lot more.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise, but realizing he'd fallen in love with his best friend shocked him more deeply than anything ever had.

Rey hummed. "Anyway. Sorry for getting all sappy. We should go with Jurassic Park."

His head was spinning again.

Love. He was in love. With Rey, of all people.

"Hey Ben?” she prodded. “Is Jurassic Park okay? I don't feel like watching anything scary."

Ben blinked, and then looked down at her, realizing she'd asked him a question. "Oh. Yeah, sure. I don't want to watch anything scary either."

He was already terrified, anyway.

* * *

 "Oh, wow."

They'd stripped off their clothes in a rushed flurry of hands pulling at buttons and zippers, and Ben was sure he was either dreaming or he’d been transported into a happy version of the Twilight Zone, because Rey was sitting—naked, his mind kept reminding him—on his thighs while he sat back against his headboard.

He'd known she was slim, but out of respect, he'd never spent too much time looking at her soft curves, even during the nights she fell asleep next to him, wearing one of his white t-shirts that revealed probably more than she intended.

Now he was having a hard time not staring at the dusky pink tips of her breasts. But maybe he shouldn't have felt bad, because she was staring directly at his cock, which was hard despite the fact that she hadn't even touched it yet.

Ben cleared his throat. "Everything okay?"

"Very okay," she nodded. "So, logically I know it'll fit, but I think my eyes were a bit too big for my… well." Rey blushed, "Not my stomach, exactly."

He met her gaze, and they stared at each other for a brief minute before they both burst out laughing.

"Don't laugh!" she scolded (even though she was laughing herself), "Don't you dare laugh! You didn't tell me when we agreed to do this that you were…"

Ben's smile widened, and he clutched her waist, leaning over her. "Don't stop there," he teased. "This is doing great things for my ego."

"Ugh, of course you like hearing you've got a big..."

"You can say dick, Rey."

She let her head fall on his shoulder while hers shook in silent laughter.

"Cock?"

"Oh my god, shut up," she muttered through laughs.

"Shaft?"

Rey leaned back, bursting into a full belly laugh. "If you say turgid member, we're not doing this. I will put my clothes back on and we can watch a movie. I don't need to lose my virginity on prom night that badly."

"Turgid? Where the hell did that even come from?"

She let out an adorable giggle-snort, and he was overcome with the reminder that he was desperately in love with her. Rey was… everything. 

"I borrowed one of your mom's romance novels. It was terrible. Did you know that _dark cave_ is a euphemism? I had to read one scene twice before I realized they were having sex and not spelunking in an actual cave."

Ben paused. "Let's not bring up my mother right now."

"Right," she snorted. "Sorry."

Pulling her closer, he let his hands wander. Not far, but he slid them up her sides, asking quietly as things got more real, "How do you want to do this?"

Rey raised an eyebrow. "Tell me you know how this works. Tell me we didn't suffer through an entire semester of a graphic sex-ed class sitting next to each other just for you to not know how this works."

"That's not what I meant," he groaned. "I meant… what now?"

"Oh. Hm." And then he choked, because one of her hands wrapped around him, tentatively sliding up and down his cock. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah," he managed to say, "Yeah, but you know I'm supposed to go _in_ you."

"There is such a thing as foreplay, asshole," she deadpanned, though it was with a hint of a smile. "And uh. We're gonna need a lot of it."

He grabbed her wrist gently, removing her hand from him. "I’m not the one we need to get ready."

After a moment's consideration, he wrapped his arms around her and flipped them over so her back rested against his sheets. Ben propped himself up on his side and stared down at her. He brushed a few strands of hair from her face and whispered, "Can I touch you?"

Clearly biting back a grin, she snarked, "This'll be difficult if you don't."

Ben rolled his eyes, and felt a surge of pride at the quiet but sharp inhale he heard as his hand ghosted down over her collarbone, landing at her chest, right between her breasts. His fingers traced over her skin, traveling down, and stopped right below her belly button. That was when he realized he hadn't kissed her since they'd gotten undressed. Fixing that, he leaned down and caught her lips with his.

His hand slid between her legs, and she grabbed his shoulder, almost like she was surprised. Ben kept kissing her, slowly, and he spread her with his fingers, using his middle finger to trace a line between her lips. Rey's hips jerked when he found what he was looking for and circled a finger around it.

Rey nodded against him, biting at his lip, and he pulled away to prop himself up on his side again, still teasing at her with a finger.

"Do you think- can I-"

Rey interrupted him, lifting to kiss him again before she settled back down. "Do whatever you want. I trust you."

Smiling softly, he kissed her neck, working his way down to her breasts, and he grinned against her skin as he swirled his tongue around one of her nipples, feeling it harden into a small, rosy peak.

"I want to see if I can fit a whole one in my mouth."

Rey lifted herself up on her elbows and half-rolled her eyes at him. "My breasts are not a party trick where you try to fit as much as you can in-"

He ignored her, opened his mouth around one and sucked, teasing with his tongue.

-ohh. Wow," she sighed. "Never mind. That feels great."

Ben hummed, releasing her with a pop, and used a finger to trace around her entrance. "Can you show me how you do this?” He paused and frowned. “ _Do_ you do this?"

"Oh, yeah, all the time."

His brain short-circuited as he thought about her doing so, but he watched as she took his hand, curling one of his fingers up. "Just uh... massage? Sort of? I'm not sure how to describe it." She hesitated. "One finger for now."

Ben sat up and back on his heels, scooting down toward the end of the bed, and settled between her legs.

There was a chance he'd thought about this with her. There was a chance he'd spent lots of time considering what he'd do if he got the opportunity, and this was what he wanted to do—taste her.

Rey gasped as he slid a single finger into her, curling it, and as he buried his face between her legs, kissing and licking, hoping enthusiasm made up for being inexperienced. It seemed to, and it helped that she tangled her fingers in his hair and reacted every time he did something he liked. A couple of times he tried something that didn't really work, but then he'd swirl his tongue or lick in just the right way and she would clench around his finger or pull his hair.

Then he kept doing that—alternating between the few things that got a reaction out of her until she moaned, and rolled her hips against him, and all he could think was how good she tasted and how he couldn't believe he could do this to her.

"Ben," she breathed, and _fuck_ if hearing her say his name like that didn't blow his mind. "Don't stop."

Part of him knew he needed to catch his breath, but the desperate strain to her voice was impossible to ignore, so he held on until she shattered.

Rey's thighs clamped around his head as she cried out and came around his finger and against his face, shaking as she did so. Ben pulled away so he could stare down at her in disbelief.

Her eyes were shut, and she was trying to catch her breath.

Slowly, she cracked an eye open, and smiled up at him. A healthy flush had spread across her face and chest, and… he’d always thought she was beautiful, but this was breathtaking.

Rey cleared her throat. "Do I get to return the favor?"

"I'd rather be in you. If you still want to."

Rey nodded. "Wait, do you have any condoms? I'm not on anything."

Shyly, he reached down over the side of the bed and grabbed his suit jacket from where he'd dropped it, taking a few condoms out of the pocket. Rey seemed curious about that, but he didn't answer her unasked question.

Instead, he sat back on the bed, leaning against the headboard, and he helped pull her back into his lap, like how she'd been before.

Resting against his chest, she nuzzled into the side of his face, and Ben wondered what he'd done to deserve having someone like Rey in his life. The thought left his mind around the same time she started sucking at a spot on his neck.

"Do I want to know why you had condoms in the jacket you wore to prom?" she murmured into his skin.

Ben fumbled for an answer, landing on, "Blame Poe. I swear I didn't expect this to happen. I took them so he would shut up and stop suggesting things."

"That sounds like him. I'm teasing anyway. I'm glad you have some," she laughed, sitting up straight on his lap. She tore one open and rolled it down him efficiently. Then she went quiet for a minute, pressing her forehead to his. "So… are you sure?"

He held her in a hug, feeling her wetness and warmth. "Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, if you are."

Rey kissed him again. He felt her reach between them and wrap her hand around him, and-

And he had to pull out of the kiss to suck in a breath, because she was sinking down on him, hot and tight. His hand squeezed her thigh, slowing her. When their eyes met, Ben noticed she was biting down on her bottom lip, wincing. He soothed a hand down her back as she dropped her head to his shoulder and let him tilt his hips, bottoming out inside her. 

Rey let out a long breath against his shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"I just need a minute," she whispered. "I'm okay, I promise."

Ben cupped her face, tilting it toward him, and kissed her until she rolled her hips—his eyes flew open at the feeling. She did it again, letting out a shuddering breath. "Okay. It's okay now. I just needed to get used to you."

He held her hips as she set a pace—thankfully a very slow pace, sliding up and down him, gripping him in a way that made Ben realize he’d grossly underestimated how incredible this would be. 

“Can you touch me?” she panted.

Ben caught her mouth again and reached between them, teasing her clit until she moaned into their kiss.

She clamped around him and his vision almost went white as the feeling shot through his body, spilling while buried as far in her as he could be. Ben held her tightly, feeling her legs shake on either side of him. The sound she let out was soft and muffled against his skin.

A moment later, they stilled. Ben kept her pulled her against his chest while she caught her breath. The words fell from his mouth as he pressed his lips to her forehead, caressing his hands down her back.

"I love you."

The words shocked him more than they seemed to surprise her, because her only reaction was to nod. "Yeah, I love you, too."

Ben stammered, "You- you do?"

"Of course I do," she whispered. "I'll always love you. You're my best friend."

There was a twinge of something sharp, somewhere low in his stomach, but he swallowed the feeling and kissed her again.

Kissed her again while it was still okay and before they got back into the sort of context where it didn't make sense for him to kiss her, because they were friends and friends didn't kiss, except all he wanted to do was...

"Hey, is everything okay?"

Something in his mind screamed that _this_ was the moment to say it. While he was still buried in her, holding her as close as two people could get. This was the moment to say, _No, Rey, actually I'm in love with you._

"Yeah," he lied through a smile. "Yeah, it's great."

* * *

Rey's dorm room was not large. Neither was her bed. Growing up they'd both been lucky enough to have full-sized beds, but twin was the typical size in a dorm, and now they were both squished together on one.

Not that he would ever complain about being so close to her when they were wrapped up in the same cozy dark blue comforter and sharing a pillow. He just wished he'd thought to take them back to his place after the party, but he'd had a couple of drinks and it had seemed safer to go back to her dorm instead since that didn't involve taking public transportation.

Despite the lack of space, she dozed on as heavily as she had all night, head resting on his chest and with her arms wrapped around him. They hadn't been this close since prom, about six months earlier.

(The night he thought about daily.)

He pressed a kiss to her forehead while she slept.

She'd been about to say it, just six or seven hours earlier, while they were at the party. She'd been about to say I love you, and not in the same way she'd said it before. This time it would have been a drunken admission. Something she didn't dare to say while sober.

It hit him like a tidal wave even though he’d known on some level that his feelings were reciprocated. He could see their friendship and admit that it really wasn't a friendship.

Friends didn't sleep in the same bed often, and they didn't cuddle and touch the way they did. Friends didn't kiss, and they didn't have slow, intimate sex that involved whispering _I love you_ 's, even if those words were followed up with the confirmation that they were just friends.

That wasn't a description of a platonic friendship, so he shouldn't have been surprised when she'd come so close to saying it. Part of him thought he shouldn't have stopped her. A bigger part of him hadn't wanted to hear it when she was too drunk to consent to him taking her home and showing her how much he loved her, too.

He would wait until she woke up and then they could have the talk they’d been needing to have for years.

The only problem was, it was almost 8:30, and he had a test starting at 9.

Romance and honesty would need to wait, because Rey was sleeping like she'd been up for a week straight and had finally taken some sleep meds and crashed. There was no way she'd be up in the next ten minutes.

As he was about to try to figure out how he would get out of her bed, the door to the room opened and a petite, drowsy-looking Asian woman entered. She took two steps into the room and frowned at him.

Rose, he guessed. Ben had heard a lot about her, but she and Rey had moved in on different days at the start of the semester, and since he and Rey hung out at his place, they hadn't officially met.

"Please tell me you didn't hook up with my drunk roommate," she hissed, a tad aggressively. "You met up with us at that party last night, right? You better not have taken advantage-"

He _liked_ Rose.

"No, no, definitely not," he interrupted. "It's not like that, trust me. I brought her home, and she asked me to stay. She was drunk, and I didn’t want to leave her alone."

Rose narrowed her eyes. "You two know each other, then?"

"Since we were kids. I'm Ben. You're Rose, right?"

The woman relaxed. "Oh, Ben? Why didn't you just say so? Geez, I thought you were some random guy Rey met in class or something."

Rey nuzzled closer in his sleep, and he was too distracted to reply. He smiled down at her. Forgetting Rose was watching, he left another kiss at Rey's temple.

"Oh, cute," Rose sighed.

He blushed and looked back up at her. "Wait, you know who I am?"

"Of course I do," Rose huffed. "Please. Rey never shuts up about you. Don't worry, I mean that nicely, I swear. She's a great roommate. But yeah, she's mentioned you."

Curious, Ben asked, "Anything good?"

"All good," Rose smiled. "Very good. She’s crazy about you—it’s adorable."

He glanced back down at the woman in his arms and smiled, letting out a contented sigh. "I wish I didn't have a test this morning. I’d rather stay here.”

"Mm. How much is it worth?”

“Twenty percent,” he sighed.

Rose cringed. “You look exhausted. Go get coffee before class or something. Don’t worry, I'll tell Rey you needed to leave."

"Thanks. She was really drunk, and I was worried, so I stayed up," he explained, extricating himself from Rey's grip. He slid down the bed, wincing at the soft whine she let out. In her sleep, she reached out for him. It squeezed at his heart.

Ben stood, grabbing a post-it and a pen off her desk to scribble a note.

He signed it _Love, Ben._

With a wave and a quick goodbye, he left, rushing to his class and hoping Rey wouldn't panic about what she'd said when she woke up.

Hours later, he realized panicking wasn't the worst possibility. It was gut-wrenching when he came out of the test only to see half a dozen texts from her.

_ >Thanks for getting me home. _

_ >I assume you got me home? _

_ >I got your note, so I'm guessing you stayed over? _

_ >Sorry, I don't remember much. _

_ >Tequila is the worst. _

_ >Did your test go okay? Want to hang out later? _

Ben stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and let himself fall back onto a bench with a defeated sigh.

She'd been about to admit it, and she didn't remember.

Maybe he should just talk to her.

Maybe she would smile, and maybe she would tell him she felt the same way, or maybe she would be scared, and maybe him saying something would fuck everything up.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The only thing Ben knew for sure was that he wasn't risking the best part of his life on a _maybe._

* * *

"Is that it?" he asked, looking around at the small amount of boxes that barely filled a portion of her new bedroom. He'd expected moving her in to be more of a pain, but it had only taken them each a couple of trips to bring all her things inside.

Rey nodded. "Grandpa's having my bed delivered this weekend, but other than that… yeah." Crossing her arms, she looked over at him, "Unless you think I should move all my books from home. What do you think? If we merged collections we would have a mini-library. That might not be a terrible idea."

He took in a deep breath, processing the implications of that and a lot of the other things she'd been saying since she’d agreed to move in. It had taken her a single academic year to decide dorms weren't her thing, and she'd taken him up on the offer of living in the second bedroom of his apartment. She slept over half the time, anyway.

Ben didn't admit that the second bedroom had sat empty all year, waiting for her. He'd kept the door shut so she wouldn't notice every time she visited.

But now, Rey was mentioning things like merging their book collections, or she was asking him what color towel set they should get (she seemed to think the three mismatched towels he kept weren't acceptable), or—and this was the part that surprised him the most—she was suggesting they open a bank account together for the purposes of paying bills they would share.

He had half a mind to ask her if she thought they were getting married. 

Which, of course, would have been fine with him.

Ben cleared his throat. "Do you _want_ to merge our book collections?"

"Do we have room for the bookcases?"

That was the only thing she was considering?

"Yeah, we should."

"Great," she shrugged. "We can pick up my books next weekend when we go home for the cookout? They'll fit in your car."

He nodded, not numbly, but he was unsure of what was going on.

Hours later, at least one thing clicked, and he realized she wouldn’t have a bed for four more nights. Unsurprisingly, she ended up in his, with her head on his chest and his heart in her hands.

The same way she slept at least a few nights a week for the next couple of years.

By their second year of living together they shared everything. Groceries, bills, a bank account, his car. Often, they even shared a night.

That had started happening about a year in. She'd had a bad dream and shuffled into his room, curling up next to him, and when they'd woken up wrapped around each other the next morning things had just… happened. Through fevered kisses and wandering hands they'd agreed—it wouldn't make things weird.

They'd done it before. Doing it again wouldn't be weird. It was just convenient. Comfortable, since neither of them had ever been with anyone else. It was a live-in fuck-buddy situation, Rey had reasoned. Ben hadn't wanted to hear her try to reason away the feelings he knew she had, and he'd shut her up with a deep, longing kiss.

That morning, and every other morning he woke up next to her, he reminded himself that she would figure it out, eventually. That someday, somehow, she would realize it herself so he didn't have to gamble with their friendship on the off-chance she would be too scared to admit it.

And maybe that was foolish, but she was in denial and he was a glutton for punishment.

But it was okay. As long as he didn't bring it up, things could continue on as they were. He was free to wrap her in hugs and climb into her bed, and they could be together even if they hadn't had that conversation.

It was great, actually.

Great, until the day he heard her laughter, and her surprised reply of, "What? Me and Ben? No, no of course not. Definitely not."

He stood there, staring at her in shock.

How else was he supposed to reach? Not twenty-four hours earlier she’d been underneath him, panting and murmuring praises and clutching at him as though she needed him impossibly close while he made love to her. Mid-climax they’d breathed the words again— _I love you_ —and now… now the status of their undefined relationship was _definitely not?_

Maybe it was his fault. It was hard to put the blame on her when he'd spent years too afraid to say anything.

So he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and started wondering how on earth he was supposed to move on from the woman he'd loved almost his whole life.

* * *

Thankfully, he never needed to.

The day after Valentine's he woke up next to her, and for the first time in all his years of waking up next to her, he didn't feel a weight on his chest, compressing his lungs and making his breathing a struggle.

She knew. She knew, and she loved him, too, and Ben was so used to being happy just to be around her that he didn't know how to process the amount of joy he felt at being around her _and_ knowing that she was his, and he was hers.

Rey stirred and pressed a kiss into his shoulder. "I love you."

"Just to confirm," he grinned, turning over on his side to face her, "By love, you mean-"

She kissed him, foregoing any concern over morning breath, and then pulled back with a breathtaking smile and a huff of a laugh. "I mean I love you. Not _I love you_ because you're my best friend. I mean… okay, you are my best friend, but I mean it like, I'm in love with you."

He'd known that, but he still let out the breath he'd been holding. "Good," he sighed. "Because when I say _I love you,_ I mean I want to wake up to you every morning and kiss you, and someday I want to marry you, and-"

Rey's eyes went wide. "You would want to marry me someday?"

He snorted. "Rey, there's been a ring box in my sock drawer for almost a year now."

That stunned her into silence, and he watched her eyes slowly trail over to his dresser. He cleared his throat. "I should have told you. I kept telling myself you would figure it out, or maybe I would work up the nerve. Last year my parents gave me that ring. It's been in the family for a while, and," he shrugged. "I don't know. I thought I would talk to you about things, but uh. Then that thing at Poe's housewarming happened. and you disappeared. I came home that night to talk to you—finally put it all out there—but you weren’t here."

"Oh my god," she breathed. "Ben, I'm so sorry. If I'd known... I should have known, I realize that now, and if I had, I-"

He shook his head. "It's okay, you don't have to apologize."

"I would have said yes," she continued, "and none of that mess would have happened."

Ben stopped talking and stared at her.

"You. You would have what?"

"I would have said yes."

She said it simply, as though it didn't have massive implications.

He blinked. "We got some lines crossed. I meant I'd planned to talk to you and tell you I wanted to start dating. Did you think I meant I'd planned to propose? And… and you'd have said yes?"

"Oh." Rey laughed awkwardly, biting at her cheek. "That wasn't what you meant?"

“You would say yes?” he whispered. “But… Rey, until last night we weren't even dating."

"Weren't we, though?" Rey asked, wincing. "Obviously I didn't think we were. Looking back and knowing how you felt and realizing how I felt, haven't we kind of been dating for a long time? I guess I can't know for sure, but if you'd told me you'd been in love with me and you'd proposed, I would have realized I felt the same way, and… yeah. Yeah, I would have said yes. Ben," she asked tenderly, “how could I have ever said no?”

"Oh. Wow," he breathed. "Wow."

He rolled over on his back, staring up at the ceiling, processing her words in the comfortable silence that fell between them.

Rey spoke up softly. "Uh, hey Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"I would say yes," she whispered.

Ben turned his head on the pillow, looking over at her with wide eyes. "Would you really?"

"Of course I would. Are you asking?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. Are you sure?"

Rey grinned and rolled them over until she was on top of him, straddling his hips, and she leaned down, answering him with a kiss—one that was just as sweet and soft as their first.

While she kissed him, he came to one crystal-clear conclusion.

He would have waited forever for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


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